Arizona Diamondbacks: check their papers, if they don’t have any give them the choice between being deported or thrown into the snake pit.
Atlanta Braves: sic John Rocker on the unfortunate fan (May God have mercy on his soul).
Baltimore Orioles: force the fan to beat Cal Ripken’s consecutive game streak of 2,632, but as an attendee of course...subjecting a fan to that many losses should be a sufficient deterrent.
Boston Red Sox: hire LOST’s Smoke Monster (soon to be out of work), dye it green, and keep it under the grandstands in left field, i.e. the real life “Green Monster”.
Chicago Cubs: no one will notice, because no one goes to a Cubs game to actually watch the game, only to drink and talk on their cell phones.
Chicago White Sox: secretly give all base-coaches knives, so that when knife-wielding father/son duos attack them, the jokes on them.
Cincinnati Reds: send the fan to a gulag in Siberia (connect the dots…Reds --> Communists)
Cleveland Indians: scalping.
Colorado Rockies: the thin air will quickly tire the fan out, at which point he will be apprehended and placed in a humidor
Detroit Tigers: have a caged tiger to be released onto any fan that chooses to enter the playing field.
Florida Marlins: play “Marlins will Soar” by Scott Stapp (formerly of Creed) to scare any and all from the premises.
Houston Astros: strap their ass to a rocket and send them to the moon.
Kansas City Royals: give the fan season tickets, that’ll teach him.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: have a cage full of rabid thunderstick-welding rally-monkeys on hand ready to unleash one hell of a beating.
Los Angeles Dodgers: sic a crazed blonde onto the fan that will threaten to marry and divorce the fan and take all their money.
Milwaukee Brewers: smash beer steins over the head of the fan OR force the fan to drink until he’s obliterated, duct-tape his mouth shut, and then dress him up as Bernie Brewer (the team mascot).
Minnesota Twins: in the unlikely event that a fan does go on the field, the Twins will simply not resign him or they'll trade him to the Yankees, Mets, or Red Sox.
New York Mets: the fan will turn out to be washed up or injured, so then the Mets will just wait their contract out and repeat the same mistake later.
New York Yankees: pile loads of cash on the fan until the weight of the money is too great for the fan to move and incapacitates them AND/OR give the security guard a pillow case full of 27 World Series rings to subdue the fan.
Oakland Athletics: the fan will be escorted to the bathroom where Jose Canseco awaits to deliver an unparalleled beating and/or a cycle of steroids.
Philadelphia Phillies: taser, obviously.
Pittsburgh Pirates: give the fan a glove, maybe he can help out.
San Diego Padres: all members of security and ground crews will dawn the Padre Camouflage in order to flank and incapacitate the fan.
San Francisco Giants: build a Giant catapult in foul territory for launching trespassers into McCovey Cove. The ground rules for a catapult in foul territory could be tricky, but it’s worth a shot.
Seattle Mariners: revoke the fan’s Frequent Frappe Starbucks club card
St. Louis Cardinals: Albert Pujols the Cardinal will attack the fan and subdue him (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/-Albert-Pujols-angrily-attacks-a-TV-reporter-in?urn=mlb,241589).
Tampa Bay Rays: let the fan be, just be happy they’re actually at the game.
Texas Rangers: a ranger on a horse to lasso the fan in question.
Toronto Blue Jays: the Mounties will approach the fan and very politely ask him to leave, eh.
Washington Nationals: force the fan into contract negotiations with the ballclub, that seemed to almost be enough to make Steven Strasburg skip town, and they were offering the dude millions.
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